"You should be over it by now!"
"Just find something to distract yourself."
"It's time to move on."
"Why don't you just..........."
These are some examples of things people say to their friends, family members, or those in their lives who expect more empathy, sympathy, and general compassion.
What stops us from responding to others' pain more lovingly?
Actually, it's Connection!
I talk about Connection all the time. Connection is our innate state, Connection is recovery instead of addiction, and a desire for intimacy and Connection is what brings clients into my office.
So, how can Connection be the problem with supporting those we love?
Because we feel their pain and want it to stop. It's that simple.
When we say any of the quotes above, we are really saying, "I can't tolerate this pain, so I want to fix it! When you feel better, I will feel better. I also won't feel the helplessness of not being able to stop your suffering."
Unfortunately, the person hearing these responses feels more disconnected. They feel invalidated, blamed for their suffering, and not cared about.
This is a chance to apply the Serenity Prayer:
God, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change - that would be the other person's suffering
The Courage to change the things I can - that is my response, and I can choose to be affirming, sympathetic, and patient
And the Wisdom to know the difference - recognize from where my reactions are coming, and take responsibility for myself and not try to "fix" the other person.
Another way of looking at this is with Externalized Emotional Reliance (EER). This is experienced when a person tries to control their own internal state of anxiety, depression, or anger by controlling someone else. For example, if I’m feeling anxious or frustrated because you are still grieving the loss of your pet, I will try to cheer you up with some misguided platitude. The result, of course, is that you feel worse, and either lash out at me or shut down. All of which is very disconnecting.
Next time you feel the urge to make someone feel better, start by reminding yourself that it is not your job. Then think about what you would have liked to hear when you were feeling low. "I'm with you," "I'm so sorry you're suffering," or "I love you."
You can also just offer a hug.
Be In Light,
Carol
